So here I sit in a Florida airport, delayed what feels
like 5,000 times, contemplating my life as it is now.
As it is evident I have not blogged in well over a year. I
know I’ve mentioned here and there that I’ve missed blogging and wish to get
back to it. I hope that this will be my
chance to do so.
I want to mention that I’ve also “hidden” myself from the
lifestyle, blogging, researching and reading because I felt like I needed to
hide again. I know I’ve shut that part of myself off somewhat again. I contemplate
why.
I will say one thing that I am aware of…….I’ve gained
some weight and it really crazy bothers me looking at all of these amazing
submissive bodies online. Why does everything I see show these amazing figures?
Why can’t I see “normal” bodies? I hate it. I’m so jealous. I’ve turned
completely shy and mad and upset with how I am now. I feel utterly horrible and
disgusted with myself. Perhaps I’m
acting like my mother and if I’m miserable everyone else should be and I hide
myself from the “happy” and ignore the amazing and what can be. Plus I’m so
darn lazy sometimes. Blah!
Anyway, with that being said, I’ve thought about what I should
talk about in a blog now (including the opinions of myself). I’ve given it much
thought.
Unfortunately, I can no longer only blog about my amazing
submissive sexual experiences with Oliver. Why? Well our situation has changed.
Oliver and I now live together and both of us have children from other
relationships. Our schedule lacks time. In children, out children. Revolving
door. No alone time, has to be scheduled, blah, blah, blah. So I thought it
would be good to blog about our struggle and let people know how we handle it,
our thoughts, our ideas and solutions, and perhaps share yours as well.
So, this will be our day to day kinda gig.
It has been a huge struggle for me, and I wish to help
myself and others come together and unite and figure all this out. Perhaps help
out others in similar situations as ours.
For starters, since we’ve moved in together, I can say
that I have not felt so much like a submissive as I’ve liked to. My frame of
mind goes back and forth dependent upon what time of the year it is (aka
sports) and it’s hard for me to hold on to my submissive brain constantly. My
job requires me to be in a dominant role and of course I have to be that way
raising my child. So how do I balance ourselves between the two different roles?
I know that I personally need “detox” time when I get home to get and be in the
right frame of mind, but don’t really get that when I walk in the door.
I also believe Oliver struggles as well. He has MUCH more
stress in life that I do and I know I am also a demand on Him. Perhaps at times it’s too much to handle for
Him and He just expects me to be submissive even without His direction? Just do
as I’m told until he comes to me with more training, etc.
So my day to day…….: He picks out my panties daily, I’m
expected to read my mantra and weigh myself daily, text Him when I get to work,
I need permission to eat, need permission to spend money (unless there is an
emergency), expected to ask to do anything or go anywhere, and as soon as I get
home I am to go to His office and see Him. If He is not home in His office I am
to text Him letting Him know that I am home safely.
Sometimes I wonder if that is enough for me. Sometimes I feel
like it’s too much. I suppose that is all a part of being a submissive, as well
as being in a relationship. The ups and downs. I’ve thought about mentioning
more routines, but do I really want that? I tend to get lazy sometimes (a lot
lately) and don’t want to do anything and then I get cranky about it. Then I get
stressed because I don’t feel like doing it. So where is the balance? I know
some of you are thinking just shut up and do it, and perhaps you are correct. I’m
sure Oliver would agree with you. I’ve always though perhaps I am a switch, but
when I go deeper into that thought well, …. there is no way I could control a submissive.
Thought kinda freaks me out.
So, this, as my first start up (again) blog, what do you
do? What are some suggestions? How do you manage with your dominant work
demands and family demands and balance your mind?
I’m looking forward to getting back and being with all of
you again. I am also going to speak with Oliver about getting pictures posted
again. I love to share our lives with you and I think that Oliver and I need to
come up with a plan on how to do this – even with a full house. Yikes! Creative
ideas please!!!!!! Ox
Bea
